Maybe you were different, or maybe I was. Maybe it didn't matter. Because in that moment, all I could feel was your skin against mine. And in that moment, you were the only thought that consumed my mind. It was different, and it was broken. But in it's own way, it was beautiful.
They say second chances are rare, hard to come by. This one though, seemed to pop out of no where. Like some god somewhere took pity on me and gave me you, if only for a moment in time. And while I have this good thing, I cannot forget my past, and where I've been. Forever the guard of my future, the demons of my past are. I pale in comparison to you; everything you do it right, and sometimes it's all I can do just to mimic you. Moments in time where I too am perfect. At first, there were many. Now, few. Fleeting instances where I too can feel right about myself. I know you won't be mine forever. When is surely the question now. When will you see me for who I really am? When will you realize what I am? When will you leave?
This is what keeps me up at night. Pale faced, and a cold sweat; heart racing. I'd do anything to buy more time, anything to keep you here. I'd betray what little I believe in, just for you. Someone asked me if I loved you. And I didn't even know what to say. We had never even talked about it before, because it's understood. It's understood that you will never love me, and I am expected not to love you back. So I'll call what I feel for you desire, mask it with a false name. Anything to keep the peace.
I wonder what will happen when this is all done and over with. Will you miss me? Will you even remember my name? Sometimes I wonder. I let my mind travel to the places otherwise closed off. Could the rules change? Could I ever be enough for you? Every once in a while you look at me, or you say something, and I think to myself that it must be real. Because those times don't just come about on their own. But just as quick as they came, like a thief in the night, they steal away until they are nothing more than I memory that even I question the validity of. To these faint thoughts, I hold tight.
For the time being, I will remain content. I will remain okay with what is.